As the hours count down to the end of this decade, I ponder the changes in my life. If I could tell my 21 year old self of 1999 [as she danced to Prince] what was coming up for her in the next decade she may have felt overwhelmed.
Between the years of 2000 and 2009, I have attended various universities, moved several times, supported women in crisis through on-call phone work, worked a high stress/well paying job - quit said job to start a Wedding Decor business, worked my ass off creating other people's weddings, married, travelled, had a child, grieved many family deaths, separated from my husband, spent 2 years on my own with my daughter, moved several more times, and said "Hello" and "Goodbye" to many friends.
Now it's the Eve of another new decade, and this 31 year old is ready for anything. I feel strong and optimistic, and I know in my heart that I will have a wonderful life from this moment on.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Take a look from the other side....
All of us single Moms, jilted Ladies, and broken hearted women, feel so hurt by the ending of our [romantic] relationships; but what of the men?
I know that some relationships/partnerships are abusive, or less than desirable, and others are fine but end none the less, and we all need to move on.
In our anger, sadness, and betrayal, we analyze our side over and over. We deconstruct the minutiae of events, words, feelings, and outcomes. We may grow to resent our ex-partner, and think him to be thoughtless. If he feels upset by the breakup we may believe this is deserved and feel no sympathy.
As we experience the deep loneliness of being single and having to re-group to move forward, perhaps these men do too. It is possible that they have unresolved feelings of rejection, sorrow, guilt, sadness, etc. I mean anything is possible right?
While we reel in the misery and relief that comes with a dissolution, maybe our Ex's are doing, and going through, the same things. Perhaps we should give them more credit - maybe not all of them, but some of them.
As much as we want to grow and find ourselves again, they must want this as well - I'm speaking of the mature men.
I was listening to the lyrics of "You Still Touch Me" and I thought about what life may be like on the other side.
Another night finds me alone
In my dreams
You still touch me
Now if I sleep
I sleep here alone
In my bed tonight
You still haunt me
In my nightmares
You still hold me
And after all that we've been through
Now I'm wondering
If you still blame me
If only half of this was true
That you believe of me
You still shame me
I close my eyes
I seem to hear the raindrops saying
You won't come back
- Sting; You Still Touch Me; Mercury Falling, 1996 -
So much sadness for everyone involved in a disintegrated union.
Instead of lashing out at the other side with words, actions, etc. perhaps we can give each other a break. This is hard on every one of us as it is - we all need the space to go inside and heal.
Take away the Man vs. Woman, Woman vs. Man energy, and we're left with humans who are flawed, and who just want to be loved and respected.
If we look at our Ex's and accept who they were, who they are, and who they'll be, then respect can flourish.
[In this post I'm not speaking of relationships where extreme abuse, endangerment, or inappropriate behavior in front of children occurred. In these cases emotional and physical distance, hope, time, and the law may have to be factors in letting go and gaining respect.]
I know that some relationships/partnerships are abusive, or less than desirable, and others are fine but end none the less, and we all need to move on.
In our anger, sadness, and betrayal, we analyze our side over and over. We deconstruct the minutiae of events, words, feelings, and outcomes. We may grow to resent our ex-partner, and think him to be thoughtless. If he feels upset by the breakup we may believe this is deserved and feel no sympathy.
As we experience the deep loneliness of being single and having to re-group to move forward, perhaps these men do too. It is possible that they have unresolved feelings of rejection, sorrow, guilt, sadness, etc. I mean anything is possible right?
While we reel in the misery and relief that comes with a dissolution, maybe our Ex's are doing, and going through, the same things. Perhaps we should give them more credit - maybe not all of them, but some of them.
As much as we want to grow and find ourselves again, they must want this as well - I'm speaking of the mature men.
I was listening to the lyrics of "You Still Touch Me" and I thought about what life may be like on the other side.
Another night finds me alone
In my dreams
You still touch me
Now if I sleep
I sleep here alone
In my bed tonight
You still haunt me
In my nightmares
You still hold me
And after all that we've been through
Now I'm wondering
If you still blame me
If only half of this was true
That you believe of me
You still shame me
I close my eyes
I seem to hear the raindrops saying
You won't come back
- Sting; You Still Touch Me; Mercury Falling, 1996 -
So much sadness for everyone involved in a disintegrated union.
Instead of lashing out at the other side with words, actions, etc. perhaps we can give each other a break. This is hard on every one of us as it is - we all need the space to go inside and heal.
Take away the Man vs. Woman, Woman vs. Man energy, and we're left with humans who are flawed, and who just want to be loved and respected.
If we look at our Ex's and accept who they were, who they are, and who they'll be, then respect can flourish.
[In this post I'm not speaking of relationships where extreme abuse, endangerment, or inappropriate behavior in front of children occurred. In these cases emotional and physical distance, hope, time, and the law may have to be factors in letting go and gaining respect.]
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Guilt trips - not an ideal trip
Guilt trips are not fun, period. I really feel that when someone pulls a guilt trip they're actively attempting to take away your personal decision making. We all know what we want, and don't want, to do. When someone urges us to do things their way, then it's unfair. If we choose an outcome that differs from their wants, then they pull out the guilt card. Well, I'm sticking to my own decisions, and I'm not going to apologize if we disagree.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What to do....
How do you let go of a man you've loved since the moment you looked into his eyes? How does he let go of you?
So many years, and many unspoken words. Conversations that should have come about; neither person spoke up out of fear of appearing foolish.
What do you do when the thought of this man makes your heart beat harder? The though of him warms your skin.
The resonance of his laugh makes you smile.
His feelings for you are deep, but not often expressed to you.
Where do you go when his beauty makes your heart swell, but he's oblivious?
What do you do with all of this love that has been growing inside of you, and may never be revealed to him?
In your mind you've created romantic settings and tender touches - but this energy remains inert.
You have moments when you second guess yourself - your beauty, desirability, and intrigue. Then you remember yourself and laugh at the nonsensicality of the doubts. You are wonderful.
...and your love lingers.... you want just one kiss...one kiss to make your knees melt...one kiss to make you forget yourself.
This progression of thought leads me to think of a little song by Otis Redding and re-worked by the Commitments.
"...you've got to hold her...squeeze her...now get to her...you've got, you've got, you've got to try a little tenderness...."
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Stay in the moment....
As I work on relationships with people I have to remember to stay in the present. It doesn't help, and it isn't fair, to revert back to the past way of communicating. We all grow in maturity, and emotionally, as the months and years pass. Everyone deserves to show who they really are - beyond our perceptions of them.
Perhaps I can find a rapport where I thought there was none. Maybe our conversations, respect, and just honouring each other for who we are now, will grow our connection.
I move in, and out, of feeling optimistic, and I know that this is based on my fear around repeating more of the same from our preceding interactions.
Stay in the moment....
Monday, November 16, 2009
Where are we now?
Many of us women are struggling in our relationships. We may need breathing room; the space to be ourselves; to feel love for ourselves; perhaps to find hope that our unions will last.
Some of us are clinging to complicated bonds, and others are solidifying broken ones. We face the fear of being alone, or of starting over again. Some Ladies fear change and some of us fear that we'll repeat the same dynamic.
We all know someone who has jumped ship to swim to an island for some alone time - and this strong woman will move towards better experiences. Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like to reach this decision....
Maybe some of us need to look, yet again, at the men in our lives...I've added some examples of good and bad interactions with your man:
Good - Your man is wonderful to you - he shows love and respect to, and of, you. He adds to the energy of the room, and he always has kind words for you. He's supportive in the ways that you require. His touch feels good. He holds himself accountable for his feelings and actions.
Bad - He's mean verbally/mentally/physically, and you question if you should stay. He sucks the energy out of a room, and cuts you down.
Please don't waste anymore of your precious time with a bad man.
If we want to attract the best possible relationships in our lives then we must respect, love, and enjoy ourselves. It's time for women to pick up their self-esteem/confidence and try it on again. It's time for us to hold our heads up and stare down the hurdles on our paths. Let us embrace newness, challenges, and opportunities.
Monday, October 26, 2009
A troubling conversation between teens....
Recently, I was eating lunch with my Mom and Ava; we were enjoying a quiet conversation - then three teen girls sat at the table next to us. They all appeared to be about 14 years old, and in the moments to come, I did not expect the words that came out of their mouths....
The cell phone, of girl #1 rang, and she answered with a, "What do you want?" to her mother. Then came some more blunt/snarly words, and a few whines. After she abruptly hung up, she said, "How much do you weigh?" to friend #2. Her friend said, "I weigh 110 pounds...." Girl #1 came back with "Well, I weigh 95 pounds...." I was sitting there thinking about how ridiculous this moment was as the girls had a 6" height difference, when the third girl cut in and made fun of her "fat" friend (the 5'8", 110 pound one). She told the tall girl to stop eating one meal a day, and she would lose weight....
My Mom and I looked at each other wondering if we should say something as Ava was now listening to the conversation. Before I could ask the girls to consider another topic of conversation so my toddler wouldn't hear damaging words (I would have phrased it differently), they brought the conversation to a close. The "fat" girl said that she eats all of her meals, the 95 pound girl said that she eats only lunch, and the third girl said that she doesn't eat any meals - and then I noticed that she had no food in front of her.
I know that eating disorders have always existed, but I have never personally heard females openly and competitively boasting about theirs. When I was 14, I guessed that a few girls in my class were dealing with food issues, but no one spoke of this. Honestly, I have to wonder how all of the music videos, movies, young celebrities, the Internet, etc. has affected the mentality of girls. When I was a teen we covered up - it was the grunge era - and if anyone exposed skin they were ridiculed. Now, girls from 5-25 years old dress the same. Upper thighs, cleavage, bare arms, and backs are on display and this has become the norm. There must be a great amount of pressure on girls to be the thinnest, prettiest, most experienced, etc.
I really feel that if families eat meals together [and spend more quality time together] then the parents may notice changes in their teens. If a girl is not eating breakfast or dinner then maybe they could pick up on this.... I know that as parents we are stretched in many directions, and we can not give the time to everything in the way we would like to, but we still need to spend the one-to-one time and have the deep conversations with our children. We need to check in more with them.... I really believe that our little girls need us Moms as role models - not the pop/rap singers, chicks in the videos with their breasts hanging out (making out with each other, grinding with the Male/Female lead), or basket case young celebrities who are on their own highway to personal hell. Perhaps if we talk about self-love we can prevent teen girls from participating in sex tapes, sexting, and everything else that they are not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle.
The topic of weight, disorders, attire, and the influence of the media and technology is so vast that I'm not presuming to cover it entirely. I just wanted to get this troubling conversation off of my chest.
I will always be considerate of my words to Ava; I will talk about food being a source of strength/nutrients/energy/growth; I will talk openly about outside influences on self-esteem, and most importantly, I will show her what it means to be a whole and confident woman.
The cell phone, of girl #1 rang, and she answered with a, "What do you want?" to her mother. Then came some more blunt/snarly words, and a few whines. After she abruptly hung up, she said, "How much do you weigh?" to friend #2. Her friend said, "I weigh 110 pounds...." Girl #1 came back with "Well, I weigh 95 pounds...." I was sitting there thinking about how ridiculous this moment was as the girls had a 6" height difference, when the third girl cut in and made fun of her "fat" friend (the 5'8", 110 pound one). She told the tall girl to stop eating one meal a day, and she would lose weight....
My Mom and I looked at each other wondering if we should say something as Ava was now listening to the conversation. Before I could ask the girls to consider another topic of conversation so my toddler wouldn't hear damaging words (I would have phrased it differently), they brought the conversation to a close. The "fat" girl said that she eats all of her meals, the 95 pound girl said that she eats only lunch, and the third girl said that she doesn't eat any meals - and then I noticed that she had no food in front of her.
I know that eating disorders have always existed, but I have never personally heard females openly and competitively boasting about theirs. When I was 14, I guessed that a few girls in my class were dealing with food issues, but no one spoke of this. Honestly, I have to wonder how all of the music videos, movies, young celebrities, the Internet, etc. has affected the mentality of girls. When I was a teen we covered up - it was the grunge era - and if anyone exposed skin they were ridiculed. Now, girls from 5-25 years old dress the same. Upper thighs, cleavage, bare arms, and backs are on display and this has become the norm. There must be a great amount of pressure on girls to be the thinnest, prettiest, most experienced, etc.
I really feel that if families eat meals together [and spend more quality time together] then the parents may notice changes in their teens. If a girl is not eating breakfast or dinner then maybe they could pick up on this.... I know that as parents we are stretched in many directions, and we can not give the time to everything in the way we would like to, but we still need to spend the one-to-one time and have the deep conversations with our children. We need to check in more with them.... I really believe that our little girls need us Moms as role models - not the pop/rap singers, chicks in the videos with their breasts hanging out (making out with each other, grinding with the Male/Female lead), or basket case young celebrities who are on their own highway to personal hell. Perhaps if we talk about self-love we can prevent teen girls from participating in sex tapes, sexting, and everything else that they are not mentally or emotionally prepared to handle.
The topic of weight, disorders, attire, and the influence of the media and technology is so vast that I'm not presuming to cover it entirely. I just wanted to get this troubling conversation off of my chest.
I will always be considerate of my words to Ava; I will talk about food being a source of strength/nutrients/energy/growth; I will talk openly about outside influences on self-esteem, and most importantly, I will show her what it means to be a whole and confident woman.
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