Reuniting....

I am enjoying the resiliency of self that emotional closure can bring. The end of lingering bitterness, and anger, from the failures of a relationship. No more thoughts about who said what, or who was wronged.

I'm feeling life one day at a time... or for the first time.... I'm actively looking forward to great changes of events, and what I'm inviting into my life.

The final months of 2009 brought new perspectives and the space to examine past decisions - to feel them out again. Once I make a decision I go with it with no self doubt, but I was hit with a change of heart this time. Time apart has allowed my Ex and I to let go of the old and embrace the new.

Now we are getting together for what feels like the first time. We are open and we never were before. Over the last year our respect for, and of each other, has strengthened. I have realized that he has had my back...I never acknowledged this before. We are optimistic together, talking when we would have usually remained silent, planning goals for our family as one, enjoying our daughter together.

I feel content knowing that the other person in the world who loves Ava as I do will be there for her everyday. When I look up with a happy tear at one of her accomplishments, his eyes will be the ones I meet. When I look up with emotion because of one of my accomplishments, his eyes will be the ones I look to.

My family and friends have had mixed feelings about our new relationship. Some people are thrilled for us, and others are living in our past, and may never let go of their feelings and perceptions. Their opinions are just that, theirs, and no one knows the goings on of a relationship unless they're in it. So I'm moving forward because I want to - I can do this with, or without, support as this feels right for us.

My Ex is no longer my "Ex" and he is now my Husband. I have a Husband...after 2 years apart this title sounds different to me.

Happy New Year!

As the hours count down to the end of this decade, I ponder the changes in my life. If I could tell my 21 year old self of 1999 [as she danced to Prince] what was coming up for her in the next decade she may have felt overwhelmed.

Between the years of 2000 and 2009, I have attended various universities, moved several times, supported women in crisis through on-call phone work, worked a high stress/well paying job - quit said job to start a Wedding Decor business, worked my ass off creating other people's weddings, married, travelled, had a child, grieved many family deaths, separated from my husband, spent 2 years on my own with my daughter, moved several more times, and said "Hello" and "Goodbye" to many friends.

Now it's the Eve of another new decade, and this 31 year old is ready for anything. I feel strong and optimistic, and I know in my heart that I will have a wonderful life from this moment on.

Take a look from the other side....

All of us single Moms, jilted Ladies, and broken hearted women, feel so hurt by the ending of our [romantic] relationships; but what of the men?

I know that some relationships/partnerships are abusive, or less than desirable, and others are fine but end none the less, and we all need to move on.

In our anger, sadness, and betrayal, we analyze our side over and over. We deconstruct the minutiae of events, words, feelings, and outcomes. We may grow to resent our ex-partner, and think him to be thoughtless. If he feels upset by the breakup we may believe this is deserved and feel no sympathy.

As we experience the deep loneliness of being single and having to re-group to move forward, perhaps these men do too. It is possible that they have unresolved feelings of rejection, sorrow, guilt, sadness, etc. I mean anything is possible right?

While we reel in the misery and relief that comes with a dissolution, maybe our Ex's are doing, and going through, the same things. Perhaps we should give them more credit - maybe not all of them, but some of them.

As much as we want to grow and find ourselves again, they must want this as well - I'm speaking of the mature men.

I was listening to the lyrics of "You Still Touch Me" and I thought about what life may be like on the other side.

Another night finds me alone
In my dreams
You still touch me

Now if I sleep
I sleep here alone
In my bed tonight
You still haunt me

In my nightmares
You still hold me

And after all that we've been through
Now I'm wondering
If you still blame me
If only half of this was true
That you believe of me
You still shame me

I close my eyes
I seem to hear the raindrops saying
You won't come back

- Sting; You Still Touch Me; Mercury Falling, 1996 -

So much sadness for everyone involved in a disintegrated union.

Instead of lashing out at the other side with words, actions, etc. perhaps we can give each other a break. This is hard on every one of us as it is - we all need the space to go inside and heal.

Take away the Man vs. Woman, Woman vs. Man energy, and we're left with humans who are flawed, and who just want to be loved and respected.

If we look at our Ex's and accept who they were, who they are, and who they'll be, then respect can flourish.

[In this post I'm not speaking of relationships where extreme abuse, endangerment, or inappropriate behavior in front of children occurred. In these cases emotional and physical distance, hope, time, and the law may have to be factors in letting go and gaining respect.]

Guilt trips - not an ideal trip

Guilt trips are not fun, period. I really feel that when someone pulls a guilt trip they're actively attempting to take away your personal decision making. We all know what we want, and don't want, to do. When someone urges us to do things their way, then it's unfair. If we choose an outcome that differs from their wants, then they pull out the guilt card. Well, I'm sticking to my own decisions, and I'm not going to apologize if we disagree.

What to do....

How do you let go of a man you've loved since the moment you looked into his eyes? How does he let go of you?

So many years, and many unspoken words. Conversations that should have come about; neither person spoke up out of fear of appearing foolish.

What do you do when the thought of this man makes your heart beat harder? The though of him warms your skin.

The resonance of his laugh makes you smile.

His feelings for you are deep, but not often expressed to you.

Where do you go when his beauty makes your heart swell, but he's oblivious?

What do you do with all of this love that has been growing inside of you, and may never be revealed to him?

In your mind you've created romantic settings and tender touches - but this energy remains inert.

You have moments when you second guess yourself - your beauty, desirability, and intrigue. Then you remember yourself and laugh at the nonsensicality of the doubts. You are wonderful.

...and your love lingers.... you want just one kiss...one kiss to make your knees melt...one kiss to make you forget yourself.

This progression of thought leads me to think of a little song by Otis Redding and re-worked by the Commitments.

"...you've got to hold her...squeeze her...now get to her...you've got, you've got, you've got to try a little tenderness...."

Stay in the moment....

As I work on relationships with people I have to remember to stay in the present. It doesn't help, and it isn't fair, to revert back to the past way of communicating. We all grow in maturity, and emotionally, as the months and years pass. Everyone deserves to show who they really are - beyond our perceptions of them.

Perhaps I can find a rapport where I thought there was none. Maybe our conversations, respect, and just honouring each other for who we are now, will grow our connection.

I move in, and out, of feeling optimistic, and I know that this is based on my fear around repeating more of the same from our preceding interactions.

Stay in the moment....

Where are we now?

Many of us women are struggling in our relationships. We may need breathing room; the space to be ourselves; to feel love for ourselves; perhaps to find hope that our unions will last.

Some of us are clinging to complicated bonds, and others are solidifying broken ones. We face the fear of being alone, or of starting over again. Some Ladies fear change and some of us fear that we'll repeat the same dynamic.

We all know someone who has jumped ship to swim to an island for some alone time - and this strong woman will move towards better experiences. Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like to reach this decision....

Maybe some of us need to look, yet again, at the men in our lives...I've added some examples of good and bad interactions with your man:

Good - Your man is wonderful to you - he shows love and respect to, and of, you. He adds to the energy of the room, and he always has kind words for you. He's supportive in the ways that you require. His touch feels good. He holds himself accountable for his feelings and actions.

Bad - He's mean verbally/mentally/physically, and you question if you should stay. He sucks the energy out of a room, and cuts you down.

Please don't waste anymore of your precious time with a bad man.

If we want to attract the best possible relationships in our lives then we must respect, love, and enjoy ourselves. It's time for women to pick up their self-esteem/confidence and try it on again. It's time for us to hold our heads up and stare down the hurdles on our paths. Let us embrace newness, challenges, and opportunities.