Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A previous conversation

I just remembered a conversation that I had two years ago with one of my Uncles. He was saying how his Mother (my maternal Grandma) was his Lighthouse. (She passed away when he was 18.) He said that I'm Ava's Lighthouse, and when I asked who mine is he said "You". In his elderly wisdom (he's 7 years older than me) he was totally right.

I've always been completely independent inside. I've always been emotionally and mentally strong. I've always been my own rock. Sometimes I just want to cuddle up into a pair of big strong arms, and crumble. I want to be with a man who has my back - so I can take some time off of watching my own, and I can be mushy for a little while. This will come soon - I can feel it - and instead of following my past patterns of pushing away to stand tall, I'll let him be there for me. (I may even open my arms and ask.)

This photo was taken 6 years ago when I was a new Bride. It's me, a rock, a sunny day, and a Lighthouse....

... The visual of a Lighthouse differs so greatly - a faint light, in the dark night, barely visible in the thick fog; and a blindingly white tower, on a beautiful sunny day, standing tall on a cliff side (perhaps a little weather beaten). Both exist, and both portray the flow and the way we feel inside.

(I swear to God just now a tv commercial came on about a Lighthouse!)

Monday, March 30, 2009


This photo was taken at the end of my pregnancy. (Six days later, at my baby shower, my water broke and Ava arrived 6 hours after that. Her Auntie joked about her missing out on seeing all of the great shoes she was receiving as gifts, and an hour later I was heading for the hospital.)

(Last week at music class when we were supposed to be quietly following the teacher, Ava loudly started complimenting me on my new shoes - which she hadn't seen before. "Mommy, you have new shoes! Your shoes are so pretty Mommy!" I was laughing and trying to hush her at the same time. She's such a girl.)

Anyways, this post is supposed to be about me....

I like this photo because it foreshadows my contemplation and decisions to come. It's a quiet moment, on a beautiful day, and my butt looks great! Kidding, partially.... Actually, I was kicking butt at Bocce Ball and feeling strong. This strength will always carry me along. (Sometimes this strength blasts through, and takes down, whatever opposition is in the way, and she does it with a smile.)

I've always been a creative person and I have both Type B & A qualities - to add more labels. I'm very organized, punctual, and business minded which fulfills the Type A requirements. As for the Type B traits, I love to make things with my hands and to write. I just sold my Wedding Decorating Company, and started another company under which I'll make and sell bags and jewellery. (Once I have some product ready I'll start an Etsy shop.) I'm looking forward to my evenings being filled with baubles and fabric.

I'm a Pisces, and I recently found out that I have a lot of Aries in me as well - which makes so much sense. A lot of the time when people complain, or waffle, I hear in my head "Just deal with it!" Make a decision! Change your life! Buy those shoes! The Aries doesn't take over, thank God, and most of the time I'm very sensitive and I get my feelings hurt regularly. I'm a romantic and I know that life will only get better from here. I have arrived into my 30's and I'm excited!

I feel more like myself than I ever have before. No more hiding my thoughts because others can't handle my truth. I have a history of quietly losing myself when in a relationship with a man. I've always been so different than the men I was with that I withheld myself. Honestly, I didn't want to freak them out - some things that I think about are kind of out there. Now that I'm older and wiser, I see clearly that none of these men were right for me. They didn't fit into my life, not the other way around. Too bad I didn't get this by 20.

I was raised Catholic and thank God I got over that guilt years before the Mother guilt set in. That would have been too much to handle. Besides it wasn't a good match for me. I'm psychic, I don't like having rules put onto my existence, and I think that people should be able to make their own decisions about who, what, and when they do stuff in the bedroom.

I feel like I've moved past a crossroad in my life and now I have to make another decision. Perhaps re-make a decision - perhaps solidify a decision - perhaps change a decision. And around and around in my head it goes. At least I'm clear on the topic of the decision. Sometimes I have moments when I see how endearing I am, and there's no one else there to appreciate it. I know, I know, the wrong people were there (see two paragraphs above).

Overall, I'm flawed, real, and the perfect role model for my daughter.

My little Ava

My little Ava will be 2 1/2 in a couple of days.
She's a light in my life, and the cause of the sleep deprivation
I've experienced since week 1 of my pregnancy.

Ava's the sweetest and most considerate person I know. She's highly intelligent and very observant. I'm not boasting - I speak the truth. (Last week she assembled two Ikea bookshelves.)

Her likes are: Reading, colouring, playing Hide and Seek,
Dora, Max and Ruby, animals, and music.

As her beautiful curls grow longer, and her bright eyes show more knowledge, I know that I'll be in for a fun ride. Some days are smooth, and other days I'm hanging on, gritting my teeth, and feeling resentment that I alone have to handle some situations. Alas, this is the reality of being a Solo Mommy, and if I were to sugarcoat it I wouldn't be doing myself any favours. I'm human, she's human, and this life is a journey... not a destination ... Steven Tyler says so....

Well, here I am

After years of writing my thoughts in journals, I thought I'd give this blogging thing a go.... (Why not invite others into my daily life?) I'm a "Single" and "Stay-at-home" Mommy, and probably many other labels that would fit me into boxes very nicely. I married, had a baby, and separated between the ages of 25 and 30 [which must fulfill some statistic], and I just celebrated my 31st birthday a couple of weeks ago.

My [ex] husband and I started this New Year together with optimistic thoughts that perhaps things between us had changed, and we decided to put a halt on our divorce for a few months. The plan was to do some counselling and to work on building a friendship. We wanted to let things progress and see if we wanted to be together. Well, it's been a few months we haven't done any work yet. He's appearing to be the same person as before, and I'm starting to feel like I have so much more freedom on my own.

The great part about all of this is that because we're more open to being around each other, I get to see him parent our daughter. He's a good Daddy. I'm confused regarding our relationship, and as the days move along I'm leaning more toward my initial assessment - we may not be the best match for each other. The three of us being together as a family would be the ideal, but I'm not about to settle for "good enough". This life moves too fast, and I'm too fabulous to ever settle.