Saturday, June 13, 2009
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream, and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it, around
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
You always had to be right
And now you've lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive
It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone, long gone, long gone
- Keith Urban; Stupid Boy - Love, Pain & the Whole Crazy Thing, 2006 -
The real deal is that my Ex was a stupid boy - as the song states. He took the wind out of my sails and he pushed me down; controlling without a smile. During the beginning of our separation I listened to this song for an apology [because until recently, I never received one from him].
The greatest hurt wasn’t the end of the relationship – it was realizing I never mattered enough for him to fight for me to stay. I wasn’t cherished, and he didn’t truly love me. I worked so hard to maintain the marriage – but lopsided unions never succeed. My definition of “wife” didn’t match the actions and lack of respect in our relationship. To me, a wife and husband are partners and friends. Well, he wouldn’t let me in enough to be a friend, and he pushed for everything that he wanted.
I have a warm heart and I’m a kind person. I put other people first [with boundaries] and I’m thoughtful and patient. I put so much effort into what we did have together. He gave nothing – and I accepted this nothingness by staying. I took the crumbs he dropped on the floor for me to pick up.
I can see that the years of covert comments and veiled jokes chipped at my spirit. He continually told me that I had no sense of humour, and I needed to be able to laugh at myself. What he really meant was, I was supposed to think he was witty, and allow the mean comments.
I understand why he has such low self-esteem. He doesn’t love himself, and unless he works on himself he won’t ever be able to love another. With this insight, logically, I shouldn’t have taken his treatment personally, but I’m human, and a woman, and this hurt.
I’ve always enjoyed writing. One day, years ago, I decided to remove my shield and let him into my world; I asked him to read my writing whenever he wanted to. It was an open offer, and nothing was off limits... four years later he still hadn't opened my book. He didn’t care to know me.
The end of the song gives me closure:
Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me