All of us single Moms, jilted Ladies, and broken hearted women, feel so hurt by the ending of our [romantic] relationships; but what of the men?
I know that some relationships/partnerships are abusive, or less than desirable, and others are fine but end none the less, and we all need to move on.
In our anger, sadness, and betrayal, we analyze our side over and over. We deconstruct the minutiae of events, words, feelings, and outcomes. We may grow to resent our ex-partner, and think him to be thoughtless. If he feels upset by the breakup we may believe this is deserved and feel no sympathy.
As we experience the deep loneliness of being single and having to re-group to move forward, perhaps these men do too. It is possible that they have unresolved feelings of rejection, sorrow, guilt, sadness, etc. I mean anything is possible right?
While we reel in the misery and relief that comes with a dissolution, maybe our Ex's are doing, and going through, the same things. Perhaps we should give them more credit - maybe not all of them, but some of them.
As much as we want to grow and find ourselves again, they must want this as well - I'm speaking of the mature men.
I was listening to the lyrics of "You Still Touch Me" and I thought about what life may be like on the other side.
Another night finds me alone
In my dreams
You still touch me
Now if I sleep
I sleep here alone
In my bed tonight
You still haunt me
In my nightmares
You still hold me
And after all that we've been through
Now I'm wondering
If you still blame me
If only half of this was true
That you believe of me
You still shame me
I close my eyes
I seem to hear the raindrops saying
You won't come back
- Sting; You Still Touch Me; Mercury Falling, 1996 -
So much sadness for everyone involved in a disintegrated union.
Instead of lashing out at the other side with words, actions, etc. perhaps we can give each other a break. This is hard on every one of us as it is - we all need the space to go inside and heal.
Take away the Man vs. Woman, Woman vs. Man energy, and we're left with humans who are flawed, and who just want to be loved and respected.
If we look at our Ex's and accept who they were, who they are, and who they'll be, then respect can flourish.
[In this post I'm not speaking of relationships where extreme abuse, endangerment, or inappropriate behavior in front of children occurred. In these cases emotional and physical distance, hope, time, and the law may have to be factors in letting go and gaining respect.]
Sometimes maybe we try too hard and for too long to look at the other person's point of view. The time comes when we have to realize that it's our point of view that we live with. It's good to try to understand, to be tolerant, forgiving, etc but ... it can take a long time to recognize verbal abuse, for instance, because it's often so underhanded or invisible or thought of as "just" immaturity, tiredness, conflict, etc. Sometimes we see things grey that are really black and white.
ReplyDeleteIt will be interesting to see what has changed in your relationship now, so that it's what you want.