Friday, May 29, 2009


I've been feeling uneasy for the past two weeks. Discomfort means growth - which doesn't make me feel any better. I've made big decisions regarding the end of my marriage, and I'm struggling to figure out what to do in other areas.

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling uncomfortable in my skin. This Lighthouse is dim.

Being on my own with Ava has kept me tired enough to fall asleep the moment my head touches the pillow. Lately, I've been restless during sleep, and even in my dreams I know I'm not sleeping well. That's frustrating.

Ava is so sensitive and she picks up on my feelings. I think we've both been reacting to each other, and feeling like we need some breathing room. It feels like 'the chicken or the egg' - who started out with the crankiness and lack of patience, Ava or me?

As the days move along, I know all of this will improve. My tension will ease, and I'll be able to go to bed without feeling guilt about a less than stellar [Mother] performance. Every day is a new start, and I'm doing the best that I can each day.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I'm still cool?

Ava and I were quietly eating dinner, and talking about our plans for tomorrow... when on the radio came the song "Rock the Boat" (Hues Corporation, 1974)
...To rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby...."

Ava asked, "What is this music?" I scrambled in my brain on how to answer the question - should I say what type of music it is, ie. rock/pop/disco? but what would it be classified as? disco? As I was trying to quickly come up with an answer, Ava interrupted my thoughts and said, "Yuck" [pause...] "That's your music" (meaning it's not an animal song, or any kids' song).

I had a flash to her teen years and her saying the same thing to me.

...At 31 am I already an uncool Mom?...

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mother's Day

I'd prefer to spend my Mother's Day thinking about children who are so much more special. I can utilize other days to take time for myself. I don't need the recognition - I'll focus on making Mother's Day an enjoyable day for my little girl. I'm a Mommy because of her.

Some children work so hard to make it in this world during their early days and years. I haven't experienced anything as heartbreaking as seeing my 7 day old baby with an IV coming out of the top of her head. She kept fighting, and her strength far surpasses my own. She doesn't need to show me appreciation for all that I do for her, I feel grateful that she's healthy and happy.

My little Ava has the ability to live in the moment. She stops to look at every flower, and she speaks lovingly to every living being - as well as inanimate objects. She finds glee in things that I don't even notice. Having her in my life has made me a better woman, as I have to be able to look her in the eyes.

Tomorrow Ava will spend the day with her Daddy, and I'll hang out with my fabulous sister. First I have a manicure (a Mother's Day gift from my sister), and then we'll window shop. On Mother's Day I'll watch Ava take pleasure in playing with Grandma and Auntie, and Grandma and Auntie will be enchanted by Ava.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Controlling behavior - I think that it's rediculous

I greatly dislike it when people attempt to control others; I think that it's egotistical and self-righteous.

How dare someone tell me what I can and can't do! I can do anything, and everything, that I set out to accomplish. If I feel excited about a new direction/project then people should feel happy for me, rather than trying to convince me of their projections of impending failure. Instead of letting their words get to me, I remember that they obviously don't know me; they never knew me, and they don't want me to be successful. If they were to really look at me they would be awed by the depth of my energy, the strength of my character, and my willingness to continually take on more challenges.

It's a good thing that my optimistic voice and thoughts are louder than the negative voices speaking at me.